Boundaries!

February 28

Today I am posting a lesson from my coaching book to help you with having healthy boundaries in your life. Enjoy!

“…Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brene Brown

Healthy boundaries in your life are as important to your sanity as breathing. Pushing the limits of having no boundaries is destructive and irresponsible to your own life and those connected to you.  

Boundaries is an area that is not talked about a lot and that is the reason I wanted to deal with it here in this workbook. Many people do not have boundaries or know how to set healthy boundaries for their lives.

You may find yourself, because of a lack of boundaries, caught up in a lot of other people’s drama and problems as if they were your own.

People who find themselves manipulated and used by others are lacking boundaries. This can wreak havoc in your life if you let it get out of control.

You my dear friend have the right to have your own space and personal boundaries. You have the right to protect yourself from the manipulation of others. But, when you ignore or do not set boundaries you will eventually have problems.

Setting boundaries will take you learning a bit more about yourself and the reasons that you may not have boundaries. You will need to figure out why you lack the strength to say NO in certain situations that you want to say no to.

Healthy boundaries is your goal.

Do you think that you are very accommodating to people and lack boundaries at this point?  

Where does one start with boundaries and why are they so important.

You start first with healthy boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important because you have a purpose.  You have an assignment here on the earth whether you know it or not. You cannot fulfill that purpose effectively if you have no time for you or for what God called you to do in the earth.

Boundaries protect that purpose and they protect you. Remember these lessons are about you getting in touch with your real self and owning who you are.

A lot of people that have boundary issues don’t really know what they need or want. They end up doing what other people want. Thus, the reason they cannot say no. NO is not a bad word. I want you to remember that.

List on a piece of paper some people you have trouble saying no to?

How do you resolve this boundary problem with them?

First let’s define boundary. You may think you know, but defining words is a great way to bring more understanding to what you already understand.

Boundary is defined as: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. A limit of a subject or sphere of activity.

A line. Now that can be real or imaginary. It can be a self-imposed boundary mentally, emotionally or spiritually that you set that marks your own limits. It can be a boundary that is set in our lives by jobs, friends, family, etc. It can also be a line that you set for others.

The meaning is that you have limits whether you think you do or not.  Where do you start?

Know your own needs and be okay with them.

If you need certain things and believe certain things for your life, go with that. Take stock in what you need in certain situations and moments. Is it always good for you to put what everyone else needs ahead of yourself? Just take an inventory of the situation and answer honestly not in a selfish way. 

Looking at what you need will help you to see what others need. But, if you always look to others and NEVER assess your boundary, you will not say NO. The point here is not to say no and be selfish and only think of you…. The point is to have a marker for your life if you are out of control in this area.

Look at the reasons or motives you keep putting you last and others first. Is it to fulfill an emotional need in you? Is it for acceptance? Is it to be respected? Is it out of a need to be loved?

The Bible does say that the last shall be first and many scriptures talk about loving others more than ourselves. I’m not saying to neglect those verses. But do this in a healthy way that works for you.

If you do not have healthy boundaries, can you state why? Is it because you are seeking love, respect, or acceptance?

These reasons can be unhealthy. The question is to what extent in your life does your boundary or lack of a boundary help or hinder the fulfilment of your needs.

Having healthy boundaries is important because it helps you to better care for you. It helps you to not be defined by other people and their needs. We are never to dismiss that others have needs but you have to be careful to not be defined by their needs for your life.

Boundaries helps you to be a better you.

A lot of women do not have healthy boundaries in their life. A lot of women do not know what healthy boundaries look like for them. So, let’s look at some.

Healthy boundary 

You can have healthy boundaries. Here’s how you know they are healthy. If you…

• Love yourself, value yourself, and value your own opinion. I cannot stress this enough. You must love who you are as a person and see your own value. If you don’t no one else will
• Do not compromise your life core values in any way for others. Be true to you. If it doesn’t feel right for you do not engage in it
• Talk to others and share personal information in a safe way and not one that violates a lot of personal space. Do not tell everything you know personally to another individual
• Are able to accept a no answer yourself. If you cannot do that you are not having healthy personal boundaries. Another person in your life should be able to say no to you and you be okay with that.

Unhealthy boundary 

• If you just plainly tell way too much personal information about yourself
• If you cannot say no to others when they ask of you
• If you cannot find the stop button in getting too involved in the problems of others and take them on as your problem
• If you allow abuse or disrespect to your life

Boundaries are also dependent on the place and time. What is acceptable at dinner with friends may not be acceptable in the meeting at work or church. Be mindful of those things.

I want to also give you another perspective of boundaries according to your purpose. I want you to think of boundaries in this way.

Let’s picture a square around your life, like a boundary or border. You are standing in the middle of that square. Your life is in the middle of the square. In the middle of that square with you is your purpose with the boundaries around your life.

Remember, I said that boundaries define a limit or an area. It is also a dividing line in the life of the subject, which is you. So, what is that boundary doing? I will tell you.

It is doing the same thing it does in the real world around us every day.

It is keeping certain things out and certain things in related to your purpose.  When you know what the purpose of your life is you begin to see what things belong in your life and what things you need to keep out.

These things could be certain jobs, people, opportunities, places you go or don’t go, mindsets, strongholds, etc. that have nothing to do with your purpose or direction of your life.

Knowing your purpose will help you stay focused and give your life energy as to what belongs there and what does not.

How to establish healthy boundaries

• Believe that the Holy Spirit will help you. He knows you and He knows what you need to be doing on any given day and what you need to have in your life. Trust Him for the answers of what you need and don’t need. Sometimes, what we think we need we don’t need.
• Realize what you value and stick to that. Each of us has core values that we believe and hold to. Hold on to your core values and not let others change that for you.
• Understand that you need self-care. No one will give you self-care, but you and you know what you need to be a healthy you emotional and spiritually.
• Do not let others steal your peace. Remove the toxicity from your life. That will look different for everyone. Do what you need to do to have peace in your life.
• Embrace that your needs are important too. Spiritually, we are to put others first. We are to be servants to all. But, that does not negate that you have needs as well and sometimes you need to attend to them in a healthy way and not always be self-sacrificing. When possible always try to put other people first.
• Learn to say NO. Simple to say but harder to do.

Let’s go back to this issue of the word NO.

Do you have trouble saying NO? why or why not?

A lot of people struggle with saying no to things that they would rather not do or not participate in. When you are person that has trouble saying no you tend to have a lot of disorder in your life in the area of boundaries and this can get you into situations that you do not want to be in.

Why do some people have trouble saying no while others seems to have no trouble at all? Well, there are several reasons but here are a few.

• Don’t want to create conflict so you just say no to appease the situation
• Don’t want to seem to be the odd man out all the time
• People pleasing
• Fear of rejection by others
• Fear of retaliation if you say no by others
• Just feels safer and easier to say yes instead of no

Food for thought. Saying NO is also a safeguard for other people in your life who may not need to be exposed to you as you could be wrong for them. You see, your life and your presence effects other people as well.

Let me give you one last reason why boundaries are so important.

Because, when you keep saying YES to something, you are saying NO to something else that you probably need to be doing. Something that is purpose related.

So instead, women take on more and more while not living within the purpose statement. Not living within limits. Not living a fulfilled life but a busy unproductive life.

You can turn this around. If you have lived without limits or boundaries for a long time this will be challenging for you. But, I am confident you can do it.