Something Finished I Must Start
I never knew you personally but your life has left a legacy far reaching into my life and the life of my children.
It’s amazing what can happen to turn your life around, get you off track and then get you back on track. I think the worst enemy a person can have is themselves, especially when you are as hard on yourself as I am to me. When you know within yourself that you have greatness and your life is meant for more than you are living but you are not fully living up to that, you grieve in way that is hard to endure. I am a writer. Doesn’t matter what you think. I know I am. Doesn’t matter that I have not gotten one thing published yet. I know I will.
I have a website and a blog that I have not written on in several months, I think since June of 2014. I have not worked on my books. I have not worked on my teaching materials or bible studies. I have had a lot of trouble writing or getting the words from my head to the paper. I had the words but couldn’t seem to get them there in any type of order or sensible fashion.
My world, my life, and my family, has been turned upside down so to speak. It’s been upside down for a long time and I have been trying to take it all in and breath. But taking it all in and breathing is no longer working. Making sense of things you can’t explain or for that fact don’t even want is not easy. Trying to put those types of words down on paper has been incredibly difficult. How to go about putting that on paper for the world to see and move on takes careful thought. Words are sort of forever. How do write about personal things in a healing way when you don’t really “feel ” you have healed? How do you say things without hurting someone else? How do you just start over at 50 yrs old when you gave your whole life away to the person you loved?
I have started about 15 blog posts as my “coming out of the dark place, back to life, back to my center” . None of which you read, of course. Every time I started one, I got about two paragraphs in and quit. I thought, ‘I can’t say all that for the world to read, what will they think?’ So back to no-man land of writing with my luggage of guilt and regrets that my gift was staying locked away inside, again. “tomorrow” I said….and that tomorrow turned into a week, then another week, then a month, then it was November 2014. But that is about to change, big time!
I started this blog with “it’s amazing what can happen to turn your life around or get you back on track.” Yes it is. Something quite tragic and quite wonderful happened out of the tragedy that happened yesterday.
My mentor, Dr. Myles Munroe, died in a tragic plane crash yesterday, November 9, 2014. Did I know him personally? No. Did he know me? Never met me. But it doesn’t matter because he was my self proclaimed mentor and he didn’t even know it. I have read just about every book he wrote. Listened to many many teachings of his. I have been changed in ways I didn’t even understand until years later. Dr. Munroe’s death is very difficult for me. I don’t think I have ever felt grief for someone that was not personally connected to me and whom I never met. But his death is a pivotal point in my life once again. So, when did he become my mentor? He was given that high honor by me in 1995. I saw him speak live 19 years ago. I was pregnant with my first son, Jonathyn. I heard him speak on PURPOSE and the Holy Spirit. It changed my life forever. Dr. Munroe, was a profound speaker. If you ever heard him speak or teach the word of God it was nothing short of a miracle how he put words together with such understanding. He had a way of speaking and teaching that spoke to the deepest part of my spirit man and drew all the finest qualities to the surface. It was a life changing 3-day conference that my husband Mychael and I went to and it changed us forever. For the first time in my life I learned why I was given birth. I learned what my purpose was in life. Why I was here on earth. It was like someone had given me the key to all the money and riches of the world to find out that one discovery, my purpose. I was truly never the same after that meeting. Purpose became one of the driving forces in my life. That teaching those few nights changed the way I lived my life from that day til now.
I didn’t think my life would change again in that way, on pivot, until yesterday. When I learned that he died and went to be with Jesus, a part of me felt hollow and empty. I literally felt I lost a good friend. His death, created the 2nd pivotal moment for my life. I sat looking at post after post on my phone hoping it was an internet prank. But it wasn’t. Something tragic happened and something great shifted in me. Something moved from the bottom of my spirit to the top of my life and out my eyes and hands and thought process and I realized I was having another life changing moment. I realized “I am a vapor, but I have a purpose and destiny and I must die empty”. I was born to “instil discipline, integrity and and uncompromising spirit within women”. No more waiting for life to happen better. No more waiting for the call of God on my life to appear. No more waiting to be the pastor’s wife and step into that calling with my husband. No more waiting to be loved and to love again. No more waiting to be healed from broken emotions and ripped apart dreams. No more waiting for the words to flow to the paper. No more waiting for others to accept me or love me or for that matter even understand me. No more waiting to be heard or to step out. No more waiting on destiny. No more waiting. I am here and here I come with or without your permission.
Dr. Munroe’s death caused me to think all night long last night about that conference many years ago and about all the books I read where he talked about “there is something finished you must start”. Something happened in me. Something fell off and something turned on in a powerful way last night. The good works I was created to do were already done. They are finished. I need to get started on starting them. (you have to read his books to understand that). I could no longer let anyone or anything stop me. No matter how much I loved them. I had big dreams 19 yrs ago and they are even bigger NOW.
So, with laptop in hand and thoughts clear…here I come world….all of me, hurt, broken, wounded, healed, half healed, happy, sad, in whatever state…but I am coming. I decided not another day will go by with the gifts in me sitting dormant and unused. Not another day will I waste on self pain and hurt and other people that left and may never return or recognize my value. I will not die with all my potential going into the ground. I will let it come out in as many ways as God wants to use me for His glory. I will not care what anyone thinks about it. I will not let the legacy of teaching I heard from Dr. Munroe go unreceived in my life. I don’t need to sit and blog about how my husband divorced me after 22 yrs of marriage and the hurt and devastation it caused. I won’t dishonor him ever. I am still the wife in God’s eyes and I will honor that til I die. Doesn’t matter what he did or does do in his life with our covenant, I am the Proverbs 31 wife he prayed for. I don’t need to share how I stood and stood and fought for what was right and still I got ashes and wonder. I don’t need to talk about the years of depression I suffered that he never knew about. I don’t need to list the dreams, and visions of God and how women should hold on and stand for their marriages or how God is so awesome and will meet you at the lowest point of pain and heal you and give you life and intimacy that a man took away. If you want to know all that…get the book. Cuz its coming! God has that part of my life in His hands and it will come to pass. All is not lost. All I need to say is, I love my husband, Mychael, he is still a good man. I took vows til death do us part. I will do him good all the days of my life. No matter what. But, I have one quarter to spend on my life and I will spend it for the rest of my life bringing God glory however He wants.
Dr. Munroe’s death, brought life to mine on a day unexpected and unseen by me. I rose from the dead heaping pile of ashes of a broken marriage and family to finally embrace my destiny. Say what you will, say what you want, but this woman, won’t live her life wasting another day of her purpose in this earth. I am a vapor and I must leave a legacy for someone if for none other than Him, so I can hear good and faithful servant.
Thank you Dr. Munroe for all you gave to this world and to my life. For you taught, die empty. Noone can take your life until you are finished with your work. I guess you finished yours.
