From the Heart Series: Leaving the Old, 2022

I have been waiting to write this post. Waiting for what? For the muse to hit me and it finally did about 732am on New Year’s Eve 2022. So here goes.

I lay in bed thinking about the last day of the year (with a pounding headache actually) and wanted to get up and clean that closet out and use the new shredder and shred a ton of papers. Why? Because I have this tradition that I clean my entire house before the new year comes in and do all the laundry. Silly. But I do. I need that feeling of completion of something before I enter the new thing. I can’t plan with a full head and I have about 7 planners (franken planned) I need to work through today for the new year and record 4 podcasts.

But, I’m starting this new blog with my From the Heart Series and I have a gigantic list in my head of things I want to do today for my writing goals and dreams….but life is happening around me. The list is long yal. But, then the muse hit me to write. My dog Kyrie is laying next me to enjoying is best dog life (and will as long as I have him, I love him so much). Okay, let me get to the post already you say.

Well, 2022 is almost gone. “Time to leave the old and embrace the new”. I heard God say this to me months ago and little by little old things have been leaving or my eyesight has been new and I see the old differently. He spoke it softly one morning. I knew it was Him in that same familiar voice. I have kingdom work to do because that is what our lives are really about. There are lives that are lost and people are in darkness and deception and gross darkness. I can’t be stuck over here anymore in the broke down image. Now don’t get me wrong I am far from that woman years ago broken and depressed… that is not the image I am talking about. Im talking about the residual images the things, the familiar spirit stuff that won’t let go. You know the junk that the devil keeps doing that we have to keep resisting til death. Those words. Those memories.

So I will let you in because that is what the From the Heart Blog series is about— I don’t usually let people into the private world but hey here goes. I have always been transparent about my life but more on that later.

I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on my life and my goals, dreams, failures and future. Reflected on all the things I lost this year and things I wanted. This was a hard hard year for me and frankly I am ready to see it go… bye bye bye. But more than that for several months now God has been doing a cleansing. So I guess this is more about leaving the old and stepping into the new for me. Frankly it’s taken a long time. A very long time.

But many changes are in store for 2023 for me. I don’t know if it’s because I am getting older but something has shifted in me. Time is short and I am very purposeful about things and people in my life now more than ever. The changes actually started about 4 mos ago. I guess life couldn’t wait for the new year.  (I will also be doing another post after this for the 2023 New Year of my goals and plans)

2022 felt like the picture of the old house in this blog. God was saying to me you have to come out of this house this is not your picture anymore. Everything felt blowed up, burned up and torn up like this house. (it’s a great picture image for me) I was full of things I held on to tightly that slipped away anyway. I had all these promises from God that are not fulfilled (they may still happen but I can’t live in the house like the one above) I had a lot of confusion about going to church (another whole blog) If you ever had a church hurt a real church hurt you know what I mean. Then mix that with the church doesn’t look the same anymore…. where is the authentic power of God at and His word anymore. But that is another story.

Some of my friendships and relationships were looking like this house. I had friendships that are not working and those that are and the reasons why was always looming. Holy Spirit has been dealing with me about the people in my life for several months but it finally came to a head for why things were working and others not working. I had hard conversations with people and friendships just sort of died. I am okay with that because I realize they were never for me or their season changed too. It’s okay. Where you are going some people can’t go. I have never been one that was understood as a person and I am okay with that.

I thought about the unspeakable goodness of God and His love for me and gifts He has given to me which have been overflowing even with the image of the house above. I thought about prayers not answered and ones that happened I didn’t even pray for. The leading of the Lord and direction He has taken my life and without me really knowing how I got there or here has been awesome too.

I thought about the dream in my heart as a writer that is bigger than anything I can do in this life but I sure am trying everyday. I live and breathe for my writing but got stuck last 4 months in it. I’ve watched way too much social media (don’t we all) and lives of others and could have spent that time on my dream.

I thought too much about who doesn’t love me or care for me or just tolerates me. So done with that. I thought too much on my pain and dislikes this year. I spent too much time yelling about pointless stuff and worrying about even more pointless stuff. I didnt spend enough time in the gym and too much time in frivolous things. 

I thought too much about the divorce I had several years ago and how the man I loved that God gave to me destroyed my life and the love I have or had for the person I married. Shoot…he had the best thing on this planet and he left it for what…an untrustworthy cheating empty woman? Goodluck with that. I am none of those things. NOTHING like that. He left the best family God gave to him…He has no idea how his sons have turned out and who they really are and how wonderful they are or the pain he caused them. He has no idea the home he left and what he could have or could have had. What a fool as the Bible says. God warned him and told him He gave him this family a good family but fools never heed the voice of the Lord. Well I thought I would never say these words….I wash my hands of him and my thoughts. Not another day or thoughts about what could have been, should have been, why it has been, when will the promise come. Nope done with that too. I feel sorry for him because he should have kept what he had because I and the boys were a gift from God he threw away. His loss and my gain. I got the best deal out of it anyway. Peace. My life is great and I don’t worry about someone cheating on me. I’m not living in shame and fear and guilt. I wish him the best but he will only find it in God of truth not the God of his sin in his mind about his situation, but in truth. But that is not my worry. Deception is horrible. God has already started painting a new picture of my life hanging in my house. @pastorRobynEvans thank you for that word from the Lord months ago. So, divorce.. what divorce?

I didn’t make about 4 quilts for friends I wanted to make (I will do that this year) I didn’t study on that topic of marriage, divorce and remarriage that I have been wanting to put my life into in the Word of God more like I planned to because of distraction. I didn’t stay focused on the goal like I wanted to to get the Bible studies written and out to people. But no more of that this year.

I didn’t love enough or cultivate relationships enough. I didn’t check on certain people enough but when I did they made it hard by hardly ever answering their cell phones or being unavailable. So I had to decide that is what they want not what I want so let that go too. Which hurt because I know some wonderful people but I can’t reach them often and that hurt.

I let too many speak to me badly and didn’t speak up and other times I spoke up and it cost me. Truth costs sometimes.

I spent far too much time not trusting people because of wounds of the past and rejection. So what. All those that reject me that is their loss and I mean a big loss. I am not the same person I was (whatever that was because I don’t even know) but I am so confident in who I am I scare myself. LOL. God is with me and I know how powerful I am and effective in the lives of others. I got what you need but you don’t know it…. hehehehe.

I thought about blood family that doesn’t care about me and I spent too much time wondering why and all the wasted years was it my fault. NO. They know where I am. I keep praying for them but I am the black sheep of the family and not sure why but I am okay with that too. Sometimes your family is not your family. I spent way too much time desiring family only to never have it. I am one of those that has no family and I need to live with that. They don’t want it.

I reflected on how I didn’t bless people enough and ideas I had to bless them more with my creativity. So that will stop too.

For several days now I have been thinking and I then came to a conclusion about all this…. and more…..

So, after 4 months of misery and trying to refocus, after being more bold in my speech to people and saying my true heart I lost relationships. I lost friends. I lost stuff. Then it hit me….

I will be 58 years old this year and it’s time to NOT CARE. I will not carry the care of these things above and more. And don’t judge cuz you do it too I’m just putting mine out here today for you to see. I have done this for years…. anyone who knows me knows I am a true and authentic person….why people leave my life I don’t know and don’t care anymore. I will not spend countless hours this year wondering why. I will not be looking at other lives on social media and their dreams I have my own. I will be there for information purposes only then a little frivol.

I will show up for me and if you are in my life I will show up for you. I concluded I am a passionate person and I LOVE that about me. I will fight for you and I will and am a true friend and family member. But I will no longer be the person that is just tolerated. If you can’t celebrate me and love me for me leave. I will not fret another day about why someone left my life, doesn’t like me, doesn’t want to be near me, friends with me, hang out with me, etc…I will not accept half relationships and such. I am the BOMB and love the person I am (something I forgot) . If friends or family don’t want my presence I am good with that. If you don’t want to answer your phones I am good with that too. Do you. But I want real authentic connections with people open and honest and want to connect and want to do life together.

I will spend more time in the Bible that I love because that is my heartbeat. My real heartbeat. I love the word of God. I will be real and true to myself and my call this year more than ever. I will be true to my own body and to God. I will live authentic at whatever price comes.

I will not surround myself with people that are going no where … that is why I was stuck in 2022. Yea stuck and I don’t do stuck very well. I will cultivate friendship and find my people this year as Jennie Allen says. I need that. If you don’t need friends you are deceived. But do you.

I have a business to run and I will be about the business of running Feathered Pen, LLC and writing memoir for people because I am good at it. Really good. I had two hurtful writing business encounters this year with people. Just crushing blows to my gift but no more. I learned that lesson hard. People have stories to tell and I am your girl to write them. Stories that will give glory to God so stayed tuned for more on that this year from me.

I will write more and read more. Something I didn’t do enough of. I have over 250 book titles and ideas written down and inside of me… why am I wasting my time doing anything else? I have stuff in me to bless millions of people.

I will travel and love life and living. I will be what God wants me to be. I will rest in His presence more. I will love the life I have left. I will live for eternity. I will be a giver and help the less fortunate, I will not live with fear of dying alone. I will live my purpose and enjoy it whatever it looks like.

I will let my sons live their lives and not helicopter them. (something I have been doing less of) So do you my wonderful anointed sons, make decisions, do you and live with your own consequences good or bad. Mom got you covered in prayer and you go live and do you in your calling. Both of you can read about it in mom’s journals I keep for each of you and read what I really think about your wonderful lives and calling to God.

I’m not tolerating insanity in my life from others anymore. Pray for you and wave bye bye to you. That old house image is gone above. 2022 is gone in a few hours. 2023 is coming and I am ready for the new image coming. The books are coming. The love is coming. The peace is coming. The dream is knocking on the door. How about you? How do you want to live in 2023? Let me know in a comment below.