Not a Good Day for Me
February 20
I am showing up everyday for my blog. For 1 year. Today I am showing up and it is not a good day…. so there will be no writing today. Do I share more than that here. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Let’s see where the fingers and thoughts go. I want to just type “I showed up.” Hmmm.
Well….. I just don’t have the creativity today. Feels like a fail. Lot of stress with grown children, my choices, their choices, letting go, loneliness, life, money, the future, feeling empowered, respected, honored, valued, divorce and more.
Maybe this is a journal entry and I am throwing caution to the wind and you can peak not my world.
Maybe I need to write a few blogs on being divorced. Hmmm. Even that tires me to think about it. (going to write my own memoirs soon, maybe that will bring some healing)
Okay so….
A lot of looking inward at what is and what is not. Success vs failure in my life. Wondering why certain things are playing out as they are and others not so much.
Tired of wondering where is my answer, my miracle. Tired of not feeling loved. When is my turn going to happen. Why do I feel like a failure. Failure as a mom and wife. Failure. Yes I said it. I know some of you don’t like that but we all have these times. Doesn’t mean I can’t keep going, doing what I know to do. Just a pebble that is there from time to time and makes my shoe hurt or life hurt.
Now that I write this it sounds like whining. Somedays you just get tired of being under the looking glass microscope you know? Today is that day. You can see the dirty laundry so to speak. I’m an author we write things. Nothing is safe really.
We all are selfish at times and just want something, anything to change. Today is that day.
Success or failure. What is it today?
Will tomorrow be better? Probably. Why? Because God is faithful. He loves me. I hate days like this. I hate being misunderstood. I hate waiting to be celebrated. I hate waiting for change. I hate waiting period. Don’t you? I feel so let down by people. I hate that feeling too.
I don’t like this blog. But I promised I would show up for my own writing. So today the words fall to the keyboard like tears from tired eyes. It is what it is.
God has been so good to me so why so melancholy? Why the tears. Because I am not perfect and hate portraying some image I can’t live up to. Time is short so just put all the junk out there. Be transparent. Tear the bandaid off. Is there anything that is good right now. Because I need good.
It’s like my life has three parts…. personal part, writing part, and church part. Only one of these is good. I’ll let you guess which two suck. Yes suck.
I’m very much looking forward to my new job as a ghostwriter. I can’t wait to start that. I already hear the words flowing in my heart and mind. I can’t wait to see where God is taking that part of my life. That is where I am my best self.
Well I guess the words did flow. Hope you hear my heart… in a moment in time.. today … tomorrow is coming (hopefully) and all will be normal again. Probably judged for this blog but I don’t care. Don’t tell me. Just know your day is coming too.
Talk to you later.
