Up Off the Cot! (a blog story)

I have a story to tell that I will put in what I call a blog story. So be warned this is long but very well worth the read to the end. Trust me.

This is probably one of the most telling blogs I will write about myself. The reason is because this blog story will serve as the basis for a new ebook I will write called, Up Off the Cot in the next few weeks and include a scripture that healed me from years of fear I didn’t even realize I had. But in the meantime, this blog is about how I got up off my cot, and you will enjoy this.

But those of you that really know me, know I live best with transparency. I have lived a secret of sorts and God has awakened and healed this area of my life. So hold on to your seat.

Most know me to be very transparent in my ministry to women and that is why so many say it’s so effective. Hurting women, broken women want to see a way out and transformation, not just the information. So here goes…

The scripture in Galatians 6:9 says “And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Another verse Psalms 34:17 says “The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.”

These two very powerful verses that embrace great promises of truth from God are my favorites and have helped me through so much. But you all know that we’re not whole all at once and a lot of our life is lived out in stages, layers, and pieces of healing one moment at a time. Sometimes, God takes a big chunk of our pain and lops it off but that’s not usually His style.

I went through a horrible divorce and the pain of that was nearly unbearable for me. I struggled hard for many years. I raised my sons alone and got them to adult hood which was harder than anything I have ever done in my life. (I never wish for any woman to be a single mom)

I survived and went to theology school and just tried to “start over”. Nearly every person in my life gave their opinion on my situation over the years and most felt like the answer for me was “you need to start over, remarry, find love, move on and more”. All of these answers, well meaning as they were, were NOT the answer. But let me get to the point here. The journey was hard and it was mine but this story here is about the aftermath of all that I went through and is for you.

I have been tired. (Not tired now but have been so this will help someone who is presently tired) Not just tired physically, but tired spiritually, socially, mentally and emotionally. And, I tried to keep it a secret. To be honest you probably have been tired too and probably are tired right now. I had been tired for a long time but had been living and ministering on auto pilot like a lot of us do. I didn’t even really realize I was as tired as I was until it came to a head a few months ago. But, the tiredness was fueled by something…FEAR!

I learned a truth that is so simple from the word of God that I pray it will set you free as it did me in a powerful way. And, let me say this, there is no shame in feeling fear, you just can’t camp out there, take up residence and live there. Don’t plant a stake on that land.

So back to my feeling tired. For several months I had been feeling some kind of way about my life. Just out of sorts. My sons are grown and in their own lives (wish Jonathyn was married and he wants to be but not dating).

Stephen is in the fire academy learning to become a fireman and advanced EMT and moving to paramedic he says. He is good. I have the best sons but they don’t need me in the same way. They are self-sufficient and my role as mom has changed, which is great.

But other things started showing themselves in my life. I began to notice that a lot of stripping away, as I would call it, was happening. Friends were stripped out of my life or just left, family members left, seasons changed with my sons, my time balance shifted, I had a pretty serious injury to my body that just set me back, I lost motivation to write but was podcasting and on top of all this I was questioning the answers and timing of God on things I needed from Him and promises He made to me.

Then on top of all that… I was not in a church I loved anymore. My church of 20 years was no longer a part of my life for a lot of reasons I won’t tell here.

I was wondering where was my life going?

I had begun to entertain that familiar spirit that plagued me years ago in depression. I could minister to others and it would lift and then when I was alone the depression would start again. The people I helped would get healed, helped and better by what I poured into them but it wasn’t working for me. Have you been there?

I began to “listen” and “think” on the lies of the enemy that I was worthless, done writing, washed up, the dream was dead, never be anything but a divorced person, unloved, unwanted, no future, no pension, no retirement, die alone & more.

I told myself everyday over and over these crazy thoughts (which were strongholds of the past). I began to say to myself that I had given all of myself to my kids and husband and have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I felt so defeated and lonely. My circle of friends was almost non-existent (which later on I realized was a blessing). I had no community close to me (which is an unhealthy place to be).

I had noone to talk to about these things and noone I even thought would listen. My spiritual mom, Doris had left to Mississippi and she had her own family stuff so that was not an option. She is in my life but it’s different now.

So me and the enemy talked everyday about this.The lies were flowing yal. Now some of you say why didn’t you talk to God?

I did! But I wasn’t listening to the answers. I thought God had forgotten me even though He has been blessing me for years in ways you all wouldn’t believe (gonna write about in a book soon too).

So there I sat… I knew enough to not really speak out my thoughts but they were there. Have you ever gotten to a place where you needed to talk but you just didn’t know what to say. You were so tired you just couldn’t talk about your issues of the past anymore or talk about yourself any longer? You just couldn’t utter a word to anyone but lived in that space? Well, that is where I had gotten.

But God.

One day while listening to these stronghold of thoughts I saw the parable in Mark 2:1-12 and Luke 5:17-23 of the man who was paralyzed that was being lowered down from the ceiling in front of Jesus. That was the only thing I kept seeing everyday for weeks as if it were me.

On the days when I would pray, I would say a short prayer to God like this…”God please help me, show me what to do or what’s wrong with me or my life, show me something. You said if I cried out to you, you would hear and answer and deliver me. Do something!”

The only thing I saw in this season was this same image. Holy Spirit is so gracious and loving that He kept putting an image in my mind and I kept wishing someone, anyone would lower me down in front of Jesus on my cot.

Everyday I just thought if someone would just lower me down in front of Jesus and let Jesus work on me that is what I needed. I wanted it so badly. Just to be in front of Jesus on my cot and let Jesus fix it all. I didn’t know how to say that to anyone. My faith felt that weak in those moments.

I felt I was having a crisis of my faith. Something I have only experienced only twice in my walk with God and it wasn’t pretty then and this was just as ugly. But we all come to this place in our faith don’t we? (You should)

I needed Jesus in the most desperate way just as the man on the cot, mat or bed or item he was laying on. Now what is interesting to me is that it says Jesus healed the man and forgives his sins because of the faith of his friends, NOT MAN’S FAITH. We don’t know from the story if the man on the cot believed or not. We dont know if he asked to be taken to Jesus. But what do we know?

We know he couldn’t run away. We know he has no real choice in the matter, he is paralyzed and he could not get off that cot. We know the four friends were in control and running this little show and their faith was on full display. We know the friends must have loved him and wanted him well. We know the friends were desperate.

This is how I felt. I felt I couldn’t get off my cot. And for all you religious people that are thinking, but your Dr. Carter, you minster to women, you this, you that.. you know the word.. Blah, blah, blah… I say this to you, the devil comes for all of us and he will come for you too. Think on that. Now back to the story.

But, we can imagine that this man on the cot, he probably wanted to be off that cot, bed or mat. We can imagine that he wanted a normal life and to walk and work and enjoy his life. We can imagine he was tired of that old cot. Right?

Well so was I. I was a tired me– down to the bone, soul core tired of life and fighting battles and not seeing movement in my life on issues I had been praying for FOR SO LONG! I realized that I had held up the plates of life for my kids and divorce for all these years 14 and counting and I was tired. I made sure they had food, clothes, a home, life, shelter, church, etc. were there and I didn’t think about myself. I was living on auto-pilot.

But this plane was needing to land and I didn’t know where to land. I forgot how to live. I was living in some space that wasn’t a good fit for me. I was in the space of FEAR! If that is you, keep reading you will love the answer.

Well, how did things change you ask?

Because I felt like a pitiful person walking around in my skin, I knew it was a lie but when you isolate you listen to only your thoughts. So, I did something I never really do— I reached out for help and someone responded. A few people did but they didn’t have what Holy Spirit knew I needed in this moment. Now, let me just add that this was not the norm for me to be feeling this way. I had done my time in depression and the divorce crazy. I was in a good space for several years but there were some things that were nagging at me and it was hard to put it into words in a simple way until a beautiful soul came my way.

I put my cry for help out there and well…I won’t put her last name here but a sweet sister in Christ, named Jennifer and she knows who she is messaged me and said, “I saw your post we need to talk.” I thought right, sure okay. I told myself, no one ever says anything useful. (that is a lie by the way) . But then changed my mind.

So, I messaged her back and we set a time for a Sunday at 4 pm to talk. Well Sunday came and I totally forgot the call. I was out at Costco of all places walking around the store talking to God in my head about my issues. On the drive home, I remember saying something like this, “I need help, I need someone to just set me down in front of you. I don’t know what’s wrong or how to fix it. I just want something. You said if I cried out to you you would hear and you would answer and deliver me. Fix me!”

I got home and it was 402pm… Jennifer messaged me. “Stephanie hey are we talking?”

I was like…Oh gosh I forgot. I felt so bad because if you know me, you know I never bail on people. I keep my word to people. I really, really try to walk in integrity with people all the time. I would never set an appointment and not show up. I never do that in my coaching business with clients or personal people.

I texted her back yes and I called her. The first thing she said so calmly was, “So what is going on, Stephanie”?

A lot! We started talking and sharing and she listened.

She didn’t interrupt or try to dismiss what I was feeling. I let loose. I just opened up and told it all. I told her the raw, unfiltered story of what I was feeling. She just listened and didn’t interrupt or try to dismiss what I was feeling. She heard all the same lies I knew were lies about myself and my life. But she saw my heart and that I was blocked by something.

I knew the lies I was feeling were not the nature of God. I knew He loved me. I knew He was very good to me. But in this season, in this moment and time I was feeling attacked in a way that was unfamiliar to me and I felt I needed Jesus to do something remarkable for me. I told her….

“I need someone to lower me down in front of Jesus and I need Him to just hover over me and just do what He does most — LOVE me. I just couldn’t feel it in the season I was in and all I had been dealing with presently for the last 18 months or so. I felt like life had beaten me. I felt lost in my calling. I felt rushed, overwhelmed, chewed up, spit out, directionless and more. My soul was tired of trying to make things happen and keep all the plates up. I was totally worn out with my life and no one in my life really saw it. Not even my kids.

I dumped on her and she took it in. But when I finished, she said the sweetest words to me. Words that just took the edge off…“I will be that person Stephanie, I will let you down in front of Jesus.”

It felt like healing ointment when she said it. Now what you don’t know is, that I have never met Jennifer in person. This was, I think, maybe our 2nd phone conversation ever! We never even really talked much in text like hardly ever. But yet, she said she would let me down in front of Jesus. Now I wasn’t even sure how that would look or work but she said it. She went on to say that there was no judgment here and she just talked to me.

This is when the miracle started.

So, when my kind friend Jennifer just listened and took it all in she said the miracle words…. “Stephanie you know the Proverbs 31 woman laughs without fear of her future!”

I HEARD THOSE WORDS AND LITERALLY HEARD CHAINS FALL OFF OF ME !!!!!!!

I told her that is not in the Bible? Where is that at? I have never heard that. She said yes it is in Proverbs 31:25. I grabbed a bible on my nightstand and couldn’t believe it when I read it. When I tell you I have read this passage more times than I can count. I have read the Bible through many times but I never heard that verse or saw it in that way. I have heard women for most of my Christian life talk about the Proverbs woman but non have ever said she is a laughing woman. I was shocked. I saw this woman now in a different way. I saw myself in a different way.

I’ve read Proverbs 31 like a gazillion times, been to women’s conferences but never heard this said, I have never had anyone say it to me… where is it? She quoted the NLT translation. I grabbed a bible and my phone and sure enough there it was.

I felt like someone just told me Jesus was raised from the dead. I felt free… I felt totally free from half a verse yal! I am not kidding. I felt and heard the chains fall off of me. Why? Why was my transformation literally that quick and radical? And it was. I knew I was changed in that moment from a rhema word she spoke.

Because the OPPPOSITE of that verse is exactly what the devil had been tormenting me with for years! His evil words to me, for a long time have been– “you are a failure, you failed at marriage, you have no job, you are worthless, you have no savings, no retirement, no pension, you will die alone, you are not success, your kids are leaving and having their own lives, you gave your life to your family and have nothing to show for it, you are going to be alone the rest of your life, you are too old to start a new career & more. ” It was all FEAR OF THE FUTURE based talking by the enemy and all lies.

I would have never said I had a fear of the future but that is EXACTLY what it was. I was frozen in those words I would rehearse. But I didn’t see until Jennifer said it to me as if Jesus himself had said it and I was immediately UP OFF THE COT!

Yal I felt like Jesus spoke it to me… “You are mine. You are a woman clothed with strength and dignity and you laugh without fear of your future.”

He spoke the answer to me plainly and cleary. I knew then I had nothing to fear anymore about my future or where I was now in my life.

As I read the verse over and over I felt every ounce weakness leave, rejection leave, failure leave, heaviness leave, I felt all the negative leave that I have felt for past 18 mos or longer with one verse in the Bible. I felt light, I felt like writing, I felt like the joy of the Lord had returned. I felt like Jennifer had lowered me down, through the roof, in front of Jesus.

My life is forever changed because of that verse. So, I say this to any of you reading this story if you are a woman and have any fear of any kind… you are free. You are a marvelous woman that God created with purpose and strength and you are to laugh over your future without fear. God is with you. He clearly has stripped that fear from me in more ways than I can tell you. Part 2 of my miracle will come out January 2024… but know this… one week later a woman came to me, in my home and quoted the exact same verse to me so God was making sure that I knew I was to have no fear of my future.

You have a future and it’s good and you need to laugh over your life.

I hope you enjoyed this story and I am up off my cot get off yours too.

The end.

*Please leave a comment if this story touched you.